adderall or nap?

2:30am. take another adderall? or take a nap? presentation at 8:30am, haven't started working on it. it shouldn't be hard, but i really don't want to do it. bah...

i'm tired of being sick. i've been living off of cough drops and abusing tissues for over three weeks now. at least i'm functional this point. thank god for advil cold and sinus.

i'm taking this week and next week off of work. my mom calls it a "sabatical." i call it "choosing graduating college over a crappy part time job." even if the crappy job pays the bills, it still doesn't pay much of them. i like to think of boyfriend and i as a two-income family but its more like a half income family and we each only make 1/4 of income and we still can't add them together to get a full income. i mean we live off loans and will be living off of a lot more loans next year when boyfriend goes to law school.

but whatever so i'm not working and i'm trying to get everything done for school. i'm not doing a very good job so far. i've pretty much spent the last 48 hours consuming myself with facebook and distracting myself with tv and anything else that comes along. so now i'm pretty much shit out of luck if i don't get my ass in gear. i did actually get one paper written today. so i suppose i was fairly productive.

i wrote an extra credit paper today on the movie Crash. Its so good. you should watch it. it should be called, Racism in L.A. but maybe that's just because i'm biased and that's what i was looking for in the movie.

anyway i wrote a paper about it today and i was thinking about posting some stuff from my paper. but in this deep southern college atmosphere race is a pretty touchy subject. well maybe i'll talk about it more next time.

i'm off. still not sure if i should take some more adderall or take a nap...

patronizing?

when did i become so damn patronizing?

i know i'm smart. i mean, i was smart, before all the beer and whatnot in college. but honestly, who am i to judge? i get so mad when people judge other people. and here i am, juding away. and thinking i know better. how do i know better? i have yet to produce any evidence of success so who the fuck do i think i am?

okay i'm going to bed. i definitelly should just go to bed now...

-kc

HI!

just thought i would post, just to say hi! because i'm not going to procrastinate tonight but i wanted to say hi so HI!

i was also wondering, why is it so freaking hard for me to graduate college AND support myself? i mean, people do it all the time right? i feel like i'm always hearing people say, "she put herself through college all by herself." like do these people honestly take loans out and then somehow earn enough money to pay for themselves? i mean college is expensive for one, and i am having a hard time living the poor life. i'm not really good at the whole "we can survive on pb&j and water" plan. i mean, it sounds easy and all. who doesn't like pb&j? but i like sushi too, and chicken fingers and i cant' exactly cook those myselves. and even buying bread for 3 pb&js a day is kind of expensive so wtf do we do? not to mention the alcohol costs. i know i know, we could give that up but then wtf would we do? hahaha.

okay well i meant that all in the lightest of contexts. here's to keeping it light today!

oh and to not procrastinating anymore tonight!

hahah i'm so bad at this...
kc

coughing too much and can't sleep. so here i am...

well its 3am this time. and its november. mad crazy times. my boyfriend is asleep in bed and was talking about commercials in his sleep. now he's singing along to "i am a rock" by simon and garfunkel, which is actually playing now.

anyhow, i quit my job at the bar. that shit was not really a positive influence on my life. what a fun time it was though. great college summer job, but not so good when i'm old and trying to graduate. working till 5am in a bar isn't exactly proactive to that whole responsibility/growing up thing.

plus the whole management in the place was going to shit and i wasn't making enough money to pay rent so... really i was just poor, but it really wasn't a healthy environment.

so now i'm working at (what i like to think is) the best restaurant in town. I mean the melting pot is my like super special favorite but this place rocks. so i'm busting my ass to make money and ya know, doing that school thing too.

my boyfriend and i are trying to support ourselves and save money for his mom. its really tough because he just started working and i just switched jobs like a month ago so we are readjusting but we're out of my loan money and our rent is crazy high. we're living in the same apartment that i've lived in for the previous two years (so now two and a half years). My parents and my old roommate helped me pick it out and that was when our parents would pay an arm and a leg each month so that we would be as close to campus as possible.

okay sidenote: boyfriend apparently is in some kind of army world and had to tell me that there is a squadron ready behind to follow me. he actually sat up, rambled till i turned around, told me about the squadron, then asked me if i already knew that, i answered no and he asked again as he slowly fell back down onto the pillow and closed his eyes... oh the joys of actually documenting this for once!!!

anyway so yeah rent is expensive as fuck. we are so poor. i've been working like 25-40 hours a week for the last 4 weeks. its been insane. i've been getting scheduled for four doubles a week. so yeah i'm pretty much going insane.

but its whatever. i'm working on not being depressed this week. apparently i have a choice in the matter of how i feel so i'm trying to not feel depressed. (this is what my mother tells me) i can't decide if i'm trying to not feel depressed so that i can ya know, not be depressed, or so that i can actually try really hard and prove to my mother that she doesn't have any idea what this feels like.

but again, its whatever. i should quit smoking. turns out its not only killing my mother that i smoke, encouraging my little brother to smoke, and keeping boyfriend from proposing, its also killing boyfriend's brother. which sucks because he doesn't need anymore to carry on his shoulders these days. oh yeah and also apparently all of the cilia on my alveoli are all paralyzed thus causing all sorts of nasty bronchitis like symptoms. this is common of course for people who have been smoking way more years than they care to ever even admit to themselves...
so its pretty obvious here that quitting smoking would be great on all accounts. too bad i've got every excuse in the book ready and no physical strength left to fight it. oh yeah, not to mention the lack of emotional strength.

i was going to try and be funny tonight (morning) but hahah, its whatever. yea yea, repetitive, duh. ya know, i'd be surprised if anyone reads this anyway. i haven't updated in what? 2 months? everyone took me off their links too when they realized i couldn't really talk about baseball anymore. plus the whole blog thing died when everyone got real lives in the fall.

okay well now its like really late and i have to get up in four hours so hopefully the base thumping downstairs will stop soon....

nights/morning.
kc.