Insomnia, Failure and Excuses
Sunday night, well actually Monday morning.
3:34am
I think I may have completely made the switch from being an insomniac to being nocturnal.
I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 4am. In fact I would say that in the last seven days I fell asleep around 4:30am twice, 5am twice and 6 or 7 the other nights.
Isn't that strange? I worked late a few nights, stayed in twice, and went out the rest of the nights. In all reality though I go to bed earlier when I go out drinking than when I stay in. Except for recently when I've for some reason been staying up till 6am talking.
I'm losing my mind.
I'm not even really studying ever. I hate school so much I want to quit. I'm at that point again. I hate this part. I was doing so damn well summer A, I do not understand what's going on.
Its approaching 4am and I have all this stupid research shit due tomorrow morning. I have to somehow make 30 copies of a questionnaire that is two-sided by 9:30am. Thank God for Target Copy. I just really don't want to do this. I haven't even seen my graded draft yet.
Seriously I hate this class so much. I hate being a 5th year senior and I hate retaking classes because I was either too lazy, or too cracked out from post surgery meds to do well in the class. It is definitely not fair to take a newly medicated ADD college student and make her have surgery on her pinky in the beginning of her senior year and her first semester being medicated.
Really, it is not fair.
I always tell my dad that its not my fault that there were extreme circumstances last fall with the pinky and this spring with most of my friends graduating and being inactive in my sorority. And I tell him, this semester it will be different because hey, I can't break my pinky again can I? (knock on wood here please)
My dad's answer was a sobering one. "Kasey, there will be extreme circumstances for you every semester."
ouch. Honesty hurts.
But its true. Thinking back I have had some huge excuse every semester to blame my piss poor grades on.
Freshman fall was boyfriend drama like no other, with the following spring being consumed by the repercussions of said drama (ie. severe lack of friends and serious depression).
Sophomore year was all consumed by newly discovered sorority girl life and the beauty that is natty lite and the Xtra Food Mart on South 13th St that always sold me the cheap ass beer- even on Sundays. (This counts as an excuse because without this amazing sorority life, I would have never gotten over the "freshman depression" and truly discovered myself).
Junior fall. Sigh. After tricking ISIS into showing me my transcript even though its "closed," I remember why my grades sucked Junior fall. I started working. I had gone two years with my parents telling me I was not allowed to work but I had run them dry of funds and they were tired of footing the bill for my alcohol abuse. So I started working at Larry's Giant Subs, got a bad-ass apartment in the student ghetto (it really is bad-ass and I do still there) and I found myself working pretty much 6 days a week, 4 to 5 hours a day. The money sucked but I was working mad hours and getting a few bucks in tips a day which was just enough for drinking expenses. But anyway, I was getting mad exhausted and by the end of fall I ran for exec in my sorority. Leading me to the joy that was...
Spring Junior year. This semester was full of V.P. Service gloriousness and working my butt off everyday at Larry's. I was exhausted and running myself ragged. I was trying to work hard at school but things were just not working. I had just started my new major, after being kicked out of psychology. (yeah my grades are that bad) I was pretty much on the pathway to failing out of school and fast. So my mom made me see a counselor about being ADD and low and behold there was a way to fix things. So I saw a Dr. and started seeing a counselor and taking medication to get some control in my life. I ended up medically with drawing from the semester and quitting my job up here and moving home for the summer to gain some perspective.
I'm pretty sure I mostly covered fall senior year (first senior year that is). I was still on exec, taking ADD meds, excited about school and finishing up my exec responsibilities and not having a job anymore up here. And BAM broken pinky at a flag football game, 3 hurricanes, pinky surgery, and three pins in my pinky for 8 weeks, can't write or type for the whole semester. AWESOME. So that pretty much has left me weak and miserable. I've been trying to get over it and kick ass but I ended up failing a class because I didn't finish my incomplete on time and that sucks ass.
I'm sure you could care less about my boring life that I try to think is so interesting. But its 4:14am now and I cannot motivate myself to do this. I didn't take my medicine today because I slept until about 3pm today and didn't feel like having my drugs keep me up all night. Ironic isn't it? I'm not up all night because I couldn't focus on my school work all day...
There's always an excuse isn't there?
That's what I've been hearing a lot lately. My parents get on me about my excuses for school and for spending too much money (not fair really since its my money now). My boyfriend bugs me about my excuses for smoking. But if I didn't have excuses I'd pretty much hate myself. I mean I'm so close to that point as it is and my defense mechanisms are what's keeping me together.
I know what you're thinking, just another excuse right? Just quit smoking, stop writing on your blog and finish your work. Well if it were that easy I sure as hell would not be sitting at this computer in Gainesville, awake at 4:20am right now, would I? Nope.
Meh. I was hoping this would make me feel better about being a failure but I'm pretty much really tired and depressed right now so I guess I'm going to just print out one copy of this horrible draft of my questionnaire and hit the sack and pray I can lean over and take my meds to wake me up early enough to make it to Target Copy before class in the morning...
btw: Will someone please tell me the exact date that the new Harry Potter book comes out. Because I am way too tired to google it right now...
3:34am
I think I may have completely made the switch from being an insomniac to being nocturnal.
I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 4am. In fact I would say that in the last seven days I fell asleep around 4:30am twice, 5am twice and 6 or 7 the other nights.
Isn't that strange? I worked late a few nights, stayed in twice, and went out the rest of the nights. In all reality though I go to bed earlier when I go out drinking than when I stay in. Except for recently when I've for some reason been staying up till 6am talking.
I'm losing my mind.
I'm not even really studying ever. I hate school so much I want to quit. I'm at that point again. I hate this part. I was doing so damn well summer A, I do not understand what's going on.
Its approaching 4am and I have all this stupid research shit due tomorrow morning. I have to somehow make 30 copies of a questionnaire that is two-sided by 9:30am. Thank God for Target Copy. I just really don't want to do this. I haven't even seen my graded draft yet.
Seriously I hate this class so much. I hate being a 5th year senior and I hate retaking classes because I was either too lazy, or too cracked out from post surgery meds to do well in the class. It is definitely not fair to take a newly medicated ADD college student and make her have surgery on her pinky in the beginning of her senior year and her first semester being medicated.
Really, it is not fair.
I always tell my dad that its not my fault that there were extreme circumstances last fall with the pinky and this spring with most of my friends graduating and being inactive in my sorority. And I tell him, this semester it will be different because hey, I can't break my pinky again can I? (knock on wood here please)
My dad's answer was a sobering one. "Kasey, there will be extreme circumstances for you every semester."
ouch. Honesty hurts.
But its true. Thinking back I have had some huge excuse every semester to blame my piss poor grades on.
Freshman fall was boyfriend drama like no other, with the following spring being consumed by the repercussions of said drama (ie. severe lack of friends and serious depression).
Sophomore year was all consumed by newly discovered sorority girl life and the beauty that is natty lite and the Xtra Food Mart on South 13th St that always sold me the cheap ass beer- even on Sundays. (This counts as an excuse because without this amazing sorority life, I would have never gotten over the "freshman depression" and truly discovered myself).
Junior fall. Sigh. After tricking ISIS into showing me my transcript even though its "closed," I remember why my grades sucked Junior fall. I started working. I had gone two years with my parents telling me I was not allowed to work but I had run them dry of funds and they were tired of footing the bill for my alcohol abuse. So I started working at Larry's Giant Subs, got a bad-ass apartment in the student ghetto (it really is bad-ass and I do still there) and I found myself working pretty much 6 days a week, 4 to 5 hours a day. The money sucked but I was working mad hours and getting a few bucks in tips a day which was just enough for drinking expenses. But anyway, I was getting mad exhausted and by the end of fall I ran for exec in my sorority. Leading me to the joy that was...
Spring Junior year. This semester was full of V.P. Service gloriousness and working my butt off everyday at Larry's. I was exhausted and running myself ragged. I was trying to work hard at school but things were just not working. I had just started my new major, after being kicked out of psychology. (yeah my grades are that bad) I was pretty much on the pathway to failing out of school and fast. So my mom made me see a counselor about being ADD and low and behold there was a way to fix things. So I saw a Dr. and started seeing a counselor and taking medication to get some control in my life. I ended up medically with drawing from the semester and quitting my job up here and moving home for the summer to gain some perspective.
I'm pretty sure I mostly covered fall senior year (first senior year that is). I was still on exec, taking ADD meds, excited about school and finishing up my exec responsibilities and not having a job anymore up here. And BAM broken pinky at a flag football game, 3 hurricanes, pinky surgery, and three pins in my pinky for 8 weeks, can't write or type for the whole semester. AWESOME. So that pretty much has left me weak and miserable. I've been trying to get over it and kick ass but I ended up failing a class because I didn't finish my incomplete on time and that sucks ass.
I'm sure you could care less about my boring life that I try to think is so interesting. But its 4:14am now and I cannot motivate myself to do this. I didn't take my medicine today because I slept until about 3pm today and didn't feel like having my drugs keep me up all night. Ironic isn't it? I'm not up all night because I couldn't focus on my school work all day...
There's always an excuse isn't there?
That's what I've been hearing a lot lately. My parents get on me about my excuses for school and for spending too much money (not fair really since its my money now). My boyfriend bugs me about my excuses for smoking. But if I didn't have excuses I'd pretty much hate myself. I mean I'm so close to that point as it is and my defense mechanisms are what's keeping me together.
I know what you're thinking, just another excuse right? Just quit smoking, stop writing on your blog and finish your work. Well if it were that easy I sure as hell would not be sitting at this computer in Gainesville, awake at 4:20am right now, would I? Nope.
Meh. I was hoping this would make me feel better about being a failure but I'm pretty much really tired and depressed right now so I guess I'm going to just print out one copy of this horrible draft of my questionnaire and hit the sack and pray I can lean over and take my meds to wake me up early enough to make it to Target Copy before class in the morning...
btw: Will someone please tell me the exact date that the new Harry Potter book comes out. Because I am way too tired to google it right now...
posted by Violet #1 at 7/11/2005 03:25:00 AM
2 Comments:
Thank you alleygator for the encouragement. It is nice to hear when feeling down. I feel as though I may know you, but you never know for sure, right?
I'm going on vacation with the family this friday for a week. I'm hoping that will be relaxing and not stressful since I am missing some school for it, I'm sure it will be just what I need. Its always those late night/early morning sentiments that get me down, not too mention the bad grades...
and OOOH thank you for the HP date! I must find a way of getting a copy asap! I am completely obsessed with HP...
I don't know what to say. I've been through some medical issues.
I hate to be critical but by just reading your this entry, it sounds like you need to talk to someone. I know people at the SHCC that would love to talk to you because talking to people sometimes helps.
I also agree with the others that are saying you need to take a break. Take a break from the sorority...drink alittle bit less. Decide where you would like to focus your energy. Will it be school, work, sorority, or boyfriend?
I hate to sound critical but I think your at a crossroads this summer. You are the only person who can change things.
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