And the happy side of my life...

Well today I have decided to give a little more explanation of where I am in my life. Many times I have rambled nonsensically about my failures and insecurities on my old livejournal or to my friends while sitting on the porch. However, never has it been so public. Its strange ranting about my vices and having feedback from people I don't really know but might actually know??? Hmm well in response to a few things, I've decided to elaborate more. Seeing as how it is 7pm and I am not in the delirious insomniac state that can lead to the spilling of my insecurities, maybe I will sound not-so-melodramatic this time? Maybe that's not in the realm of possibility, eh, we shall see...

So first off to respond to the comment left by SG Outsider:

"I hate to be critical but by just reading your this entry, it sounds like you need to talk to someone. I know people at the SHCC that would love to talk to you because talking to people sometimes helps. I also agree with the others that are saying you need to take a break. Take a break from the sorority...drink a little bit less. Decide where you would like to focus your energy. Will it be school, work, sorority, or boyfriend? I hate to sound critical but I think your at a crossroads this summer. You are the only person who can change things."

Its so funny that you say that because in my melodramatic pity party that was my earlier post, I didn't mention anything positive about my life, including my goals and most recent choices.

I know I'm not perfect and it sounds like I'm all miserable because, well, because I said I was. I'm really not. I've recently made a decision to stay in school, retake two classes this summer so that I can do that, and be personally responsible for that choice by paying for it all on my own. I have taken out loans and I got a job, and I am now paying my own rent, my own everything.

The week between spring semester and summer A, I stayed in Gainesville with my boyfriend and we went through every possible option. After seeing graduation, and getting my grades from the semester, leaving UF seemed like it just might be the right thing to do. I mean, after 4 years here with out even an AA and no possibility of studying something I am passionate about until after I graduate, it really did make some sense. But after going through all the numbers, all the options, all the things I could do instead of staying here at UF, it still made sense to leave, and all the other options seemed like a great and necessary change in my life.

However when it came down to it, I didn't want to quit. My parents, my boyfriend, my friends, everyone around me, was totally okay with me leaving UF. They all said they supported me. My parents even said they wouldn't pay for it if I stayed (because it just didn't make sense to anymore).

All of a sudden I realized that the only reason why I would stay would be for me, and me alone. If I chose to stay and graduate from UF, it would be because I wanted to. And after all that soul searching, I knew I wanted to.

I've wanted to graduate from UF since I was little (except for that year when I thought I could go to Harvard- HAHA). I've always been a gator fan and I've always planned on graduating from college. I worked my ass off in high school to get in here and I've done well enough to stay in for four years. And when it comes down to it, I've imagined having a UF diploma on my office wall for the last 8 years.
That may not seem like enough of a reason for you, but it sure as hell was for me.

I've spent my whole life making others happy. I've lived for everyone else but me. Everyday I am learning how to do what's best for me even if its not what's best for others. I am still learning that. And this decision is helping me in so many ways.

For the first time in my life, I am at a place where if I fail, I only fail myself. If I succeed, I only succeed for myself. Sure my friends and family will be proud of me if I succeed but they will be proud of me if I don't. I am my sole reason to be here.

So that was the change that I made. It seemed like the right change, but as I've learned you never know. And I am not scared this time. This time I am just trying to do my best.

Unfortunately I am having a bit of a hard time right now. After summer A ended, my summer C class got to the part that I hate. And I've fallen behind. But I still got an A in my summer A class and I'm still doing well at my job. I'm going to get it back together with my summer C class. I've already started doing better- I got my questionnaire done and was early to class on Monday. It may not seem like much, but it is.

So while I look like I'm just wallowing in sorrow, I'm just falling a few steps back. I'm actually in a good place right now. I just have my moments. Its also nice to admit my mistakes. I have to let it out sometimes and say, I know I'm full of excuses. Because then I can step up and try and make things better. I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm actually a very happy person. I just happen to have a really hard time with school. Beyond school my life is pretty much perfect. No, really it is. I have the best friends in the world. I have the best boyfriend in the world, I love my family and I am just overall a very lucky person.

Okay well I was also going to talk about SP's mention of my post:
"Sleepless Kid On The Block: There's a lot more to the UF experience than what's on the Third Floor. Sometimes it's important to be reminded that students face problems that can't be solved by SG, that there's more to being a student than being a vote and a number and a set of A&S fees for spending. Not to mention, this is all the more reason to fight caps on credits taken for in-state tuition. SP loves you, KC."

All I really wanted to say about the awesome SP's post, was what I already said- about realizing that people are actually reading my crazy nonsense!!! But I already said that, so I will just say, I love you too SP and I hope to see you next week!!!!!