Vacation rocked!

Back from vacation! So much fun!!!

Went many places with my parents and my 16 year old little brother:

My aunt and uncle's house in North Carolina and to their AMAZING lake house in Virginia for four days. Tubing is the coolest thing ever! So are jet skis! Oh how I can't wait to be rich and have a vacation home on a lake with a badass boat, two badass jet skis, and an awesome dock and deck. Sigh.

Drove through UVA- the blonde was sooooooo right about everyone there being either a major dork or super hot and snobby, oh and the campus being absolutely GORGEOUS. I had no idea it was so big.

Washington DC for three days and two nights! Oh so much!!! A recap of the best night out in DC EVER!!! Got to see the White House, the Capitol, etc. I love DC so much I can't wait to go back. I am dying to go back and I am definitely going to law school and working in DC in the future...

Spent a night in Virginia Beach- weird place, much like Panama City Beach, but bigger? and with a boardwalk. Strange place to be with parents, but nonetheless, had good times with little brother, strolling the streets without the parents.

Spent the last night in Savanna- such a pretty place. There are lots of weird people in Savanna though. Strangley enough, we stumbled upon this bar that my parents insisted on going to when we went there four years ago. They followed the music into the bar and made us sit down even though my brother was 12 and I was 18, just fresh out of freshman year. We were sitting at this table surrounded by older drunk people and I was like umm can we leave before they kick us out? And my parents made fun of me forever because I was uncomfortable in a bar (and now I work in one and apparently me being uncomfortable in a bar is unfathomable.) So this time in Savanna we stumbled on the same place, there was a band playing awesome music, that we followed in AGAIN, Doobie Brothers, Black Water. Which by the way, is an awesome song:
I’d like to hear some funky dixieland
Pretty mama come and take me by the hand
By the hand, take me by the hand pretty mama
Come and dance with your daddy all night long
I want to honky tonk, honky tonk, honky tonk
With you all night long
I was actually so excited to be in a bar and I was dying to order a drink and sit down and stay and sing fun songs with my mom. But we didn't stay for longer than two songs because my little brother, now 16, was uncomfortable and made us leave. Sigh, irony.
I guess its probably funnier if you were there.

So that was mostly it. Good times. Good times.

Now its back to the grind and the last painful week of summer school...

btw... future road trip to texas and new orleans!! yay!!

And the happy side of my life...

Well today I have decided to give a little more explanation of where I am in my life. Many times I have rambled nonsensically about my failures and insecurities on my old livejournal or to my friends while sitting on the porch. However, never has it been so public. Its strange ranting about my vices and having feedback from people I don't really know but might actually know??? Hmm well in response to a few things, I've decided to elaborate more. Seeing as how it is 7pm and I am not in the delirious insomniac state that can lead to the spilling of my insecurities, maybe I will sound not-so-melodramatic this time? Maybe that's not in the realm of possibility, eh, we shall see...

So first off to respond to the comment left by SG Outsider:

"I hate to be critical but by just reading your this entry, it sounds like you need to talk to someone. I know people at the SHCC that would love to talk to you because talking to people sometimes helps. I also agree with the others that are saying you need to take a break. Take a break from the sorority...drink a little bit less. Decide where you would like to focus your energy. Will it be school, work, sorority, or boyfriend? I hate to sound critical but I think your at a crossroads this summer. You are the only person who can change things."

Its so funny that you say that because in my melodramatic pity party that was my earlier post, I didn't mention anything positive about my life, including my goals and most recent choices.

I know I'm not perfect and it sounds like I'm all miserable because, well, because I said I was. I'm really not. I've recently made a decision to stay in school, retake two classes this summer so that I can do that, and be personally responsible for that choice by paying for it all on my own. I have taken out loans and I got a job, and I am now paying my own rent, my own everything.

The week between spring semester and summer A, I stayed in Gainesville with my boyfriend and we went through every possible option. After seeing graduation, and getting my grades from the semester, leaving UF seemed like it just might be the right thing to do. I mean, after 4 years here with out even an AA and no possibility of studying something I am passionate about until after I graduate, it really did make some sense. But after going through all the numbers, all the options, all the things I could do instead of staying here at UF, it still made sense to leave, and all the other options seemed like a great and necessary change in my life.

However when it came down to it, I didn't want to quit. My parents, my boyfriend, my friends, everyone around me, was totally okay with me leaving UF. They all said they supported me. My parents even said they wouldn't pay for it if I stayed (because it just didn't make sense to anymore).

All of a sudden I realized that the only reason why I would stay would be for me, and me alone. If I chose to stay and graduate from UF, it would be because I wanted to. And after all that soul searching, I knew I wanted to.

I've wanted to graduate from UF since I was little (except for that year when I thought I could go to Harvard- HAHA). I've always been a gator fan and I've always planned on graduating from college. I worked my ass off in high school to get in here and I've done well enough to stay in for four years. And when it comes down to it, I've imagined having a UF diploma on my office wall for the last 8 years.
That may not seem like enough of a reason for you, but it sure as hell was for me.

I've spent my whole life making others happy. I've lived for everyone else but me. Everyday I am learning how to do what's best for me even if its not what's best for others. I am still learning that. And this decision is helping me in so many ways.

For the first time in my life, I am at a place where if I fail, I only fail myself. If I succeed, I only succeed for myself. Sure my friends and family will be proud of me if I succeed but they will be proud of me if I don't. I am my sole reason to be here.

So that was the change that I made. It seemed like the right change, but as I've learned you never know. And I am not scared this time. This time I am just trying to do my best.

Unfortunately I am having a bit of a hard time right now. After summer A ended, my summer C class got to the part that I hate. And I've fallen behind. But I still got an A in my summer A class and I'm still doing well at my job. I'm going to get it back together with my summer C class. I've already started doing better- I got my questionnaire done and was early to class on Monday. It may not seem like much, but it is.

So while I look like I'm just wallowing in sorrow, I'm just falling a few steps back. I'm actually in a good place right now. I just have my moments. Its also nice to admit my mistakes. I have to let it out sometimes and say, I know I'm full of excuses. Because then I can step up and try and make things better. I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm actually a very happy person. I just happen to have a really hard time with school. Beyond school my life is pretty much perfect. No, really it is. I have the best friends in the world. I have the best boyfriend in the world, I love my family and I am just overall a very lucky person.

Okay well I was also going to talk about SP's mention of my post:
"Sleepless Kid On The Block: There's a lot more to the UF experience than what's on the Third Floor. Sometimes it's important to be reminded that students face problems that can't be solved by SG, that there's more to being a student than being a vote and a number and a set of A&S fees for spending. Not to mention, this is all the more reason to fight caps on credits taken for in-state tuition. SP loves you, KC."

All I really wanted to say about the awesome SP's post, was what I already said- about realizing that people are actually reading my crazy nonsense!!! But I already said that, so I will just say, I love you too SP and I hope to see you next week!!!!!

Anonymity

More like an attempt at anonymity. which by the way, is the worst word to spell and pronounce ever.

I've decided that after leaving so much information about my life on my blog that I am going to make a switch to a more anonymous name. I realize that this is mostly useless but eh, its worth a shot.

So for now on I'm going as kc. It seemed like a good idea. You know, in case for some reason I apply to law school or the FBI and someone discovers that I don't know, I'm not perfect... I guess its mostly that greek on a leash concept. Even though I'm technically an alum now, I'm still a sorority girl at heart and my allegiance remains intact. ;-) Nah its not that bad but I' m sure GOAL can tell you all about it. heeheehee

Oh. One last thing. If you could just help out in that anonymity attempt, I'd be grateful.

rock out.
hahaha this is never going to work...

Insomnia, Failure and Excuses

Sunday night, well actually Monday morning.

3:34am

I think I may have completely made the switch from being an insomniac to being nocturnal.

I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 4am. In fact I would say that in the last seven days I fell asleep around 4:30am twice, 5am twice and 6 or 7 the other nights.

Isn't that strange? I worked late a few nights, stayed in twice, and went out the rest of the nights. In all reality though I go to bed earlier when I go out drinking than when I stay in. Except for recently when I've for some reason been staying up till 6am talking.

I'm losing my mind.

I'm not even really studying ever. I hate school so much I want to quit. I'm at that point again. I hate this part. I was doing so damn well summer A, I do not understand what's going on.

Its approaching 4am and I have all this stupid research shit due tomorrow morning. I have to somehow make 30 copies of a questionnaire that is two-sided by 9:30am. Thank God for Target Copy. I just really don't want to do this. I haven't even seen my graded draft yet.

Seriously I hate this class so much. I hate being a 5th year senior and I hate retaking classes because I was either too lazy, or too cracked out from post surgery meds to do well in the class. It is definitely not fair to take a newly medicated ADD college student and make her have surgery on her pinky in the beginning of her senior year and her first semester being medicated.

Really, it is not fair.

I always tell my dad that its not my fault that there were extreme circumstances last fall with the pinky and this spring with most of my friends graduating and being inactive in my sorority. And I tell him, this semester it will be different because hey, I can't break my pinky again can I? (knock on wood here please)

My dad's answer was a sobering one. "Kasey, there will be extreme circumstances for you every semester."

ouch. Honesty hurts.

But its true. Thinking back I have had some huge excuse every semester to blame my piss poor grades on.
Freshman fall was boyfriend drama like no other, with the following spring being consumed by the repercussions of said drama (ie. severe lack of friends and serious depression).
Sophomore year was all consumed by newly discovered sorority girl life and the beauty that is natty lite and the Xtra Food Mart on South 13th St that always sold me the cheap ass beer- even on Sundays. (This counts as an excuse because without this amazing sorority life, I would have never gotten over the "freshman depression" and truly discovered myself).
Junior fall. Sigh. After tricking ISIS into showing me my transcript even though its "closed," I remember why my grades sucked Junior fall. I started working. I had gone two years with my parents telling me I was not allowed to work but I had run them dry of funds and they were tired of footing the bill for my alcohol abuse. So I started working at Larry's Giant Subs, got a bad-ass apartment in the student ghetto (it really is bad-ass and I do still there) and I found myself working pretty much 6 days a week, 4 to 5 hours a day. The money sucked but I was working mad hours and getting a few bucks in tips a day which was just enough for drinking expenses. But anyway, I was getting mad exhausted and by the end of fall I ran for exec in my sorority. Leading me to the joy that was...
Spring Junior year. This semester was full of V.P. Service gloriousness and working my butt off everyday at Larry's. I was exhausted and running myself ragged. I was trying to work hard at school but things were just not working. I had just started my new major, after being kicked out of psychology. (yeah my grades are that bad) I was pretty much on the pathway to failing out of school and fast. So my mom made me see a counselor about being ADD and low and behold there was a way to fix things. So I saw a Dr. and started seeing a counselor and taking medication to get some control in my life. I ended up medically with drawing from the semester and quitting my job up here and moving home for the summer to gain some perspective.
I'm pretty sure I mostly covered fall senior year (first senior year that is). I was still on exec, taking ADD meds, excited about school and finishing up my exec responsibilities and not having a job anymore up here. And BAM broken pinky at a flag football game, 3 hurricanes, pinky surgery, and three pins in my pinky for 8 weeks, can't write or type for the whole semester. AWESOME. So that pretty much has left me weak and miserable. I've been trying to get over it and kick ass but I ended up failing a class because I didn't finish my incomplete on time and that sucks ass.

I'm sure you could care less about my boring life that I try to think is so interesting. But its 4:14am now and I cannot motivate myself to do this. I didn't take my medicine today because I slept until about 3pm today and didn't feel like having my drugs keep me up all night. Ironic isn't it? I'm not up all night because I couldn't focus on my school work all day...

There's always an excuse isn't there?

That's what I've been hearing a lot lately. My parents get on me about my excuses for school and for spending too much money (not fair really since its my money now). My boyfriend bugs me about my excuses for smoking. But if I didn't have excuses I'd pretty much hate myself. I mean I'm so close to that point as it is and my defense mechanisms are what's keeping me together.

I know what you're thinking, just another excuse right? Just quit smoking, stop writing on your blog and finish your work. Well if it were that easy I sure as hell would not be sitting at this computer in Gainesville, awake at 4:20am right now, would I? Nope.

Meh. I was hoping this would make me feel better about being a failure but I'm pretty much really tired and depressed right now so I guess I'm going to just print out one copy of this horrible draft of my questionnaire and hit the sack and pray I can lean over and take my meds to wake me up early enough to make it to Target Copy before class in the morning...

btw: Will someone please tell me the exact date that the new Harry Potter book comes out. Because I am way too tired to google it right now...

Umm hi?

Okay fine. I'm posting.

I have been trying for, oh, a week or so now, to post on a sports topic that I seem to be very passionate about. But nonetheless, I have kept the post in my drafts section and will continue to work on it until it makes sense.

So here I am, up at 3:30am, with class at 9:30am and a whole stupid assignment to do. I hate school. I am down to one summer C class, M W F at 9:30am and instead of feeling like I have so much more time now, I feel like my class is in the way of my summer fun (aka boozing and staying up till 6am every night).

Anywho, I have been really entertaining myself and procrastinating from one class, by reading all these interesting SG blogs.

I have found myself feeling really left out.

Its sad too because I'm probably older than most of the people with these SG blogs, or alot younger as I have found some SG junkies are actually older than me! eek! I guess cigarettes aren't the only thing that's hard to quit. (not entirely sure how SG is addictive, but the evidence is there so, who knows)

I've also found that a lot of people talk in circles. Sometimes I get really angry about things and like to share my point of view, but most of the time its just so pointless that I can't really choose a side to fight for. So then I let it go and move on and feel that ping of emptiness that comes with feeling left out.

Oh well I guess I'm done for now. Just wanted to say hi and whatnot.

Maybe I should get some work done seeing as how its almost 4am now...

Whoa I'm back!

Well it seems as though I have been completely out of touch with my blog as of late. My laptop has finally died and I have been working too much to take it in to get it fixed (aka replaced by HP). I spent hours with my buddy Artemus saving my data, so its not a total tragedy. However, it is pretty depressing and putting a strain on my relationship with my boyfriend who doesn't really like me using his computer for hours at a time.

Fortunately I have borrowed a laptop and I've been trying to stay up to date, reading all my fave blogs. But I'm just finally getting time to update.

It seems to have been a long time since I've updated and I've certainly missed out on updating on the College World Series. I apologize for that but I was just so involved in the games and I was working so much that I just didn't have time to really post about the games. After we beat Nebraska and Arizona I was so excited to be in the Championship Series that I was just beside myself! :-) I had the best time ever watching the games. Unfortunately I had to work during some of the games, but I didn't miss much.

Anyhow! It was dissapointing to lose to Texas in the Championship game but honestly, this is the best any Gators team has ever done since I've been here! What an AMAZING baseball season!! Second in the nation! The World Series! How INTENSE! WOOT

Okay well I've decided I'm just going to post little bits at a time, in order to ensure keeping more up to date.

Laters kids.