People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one

And even though we ain't got money
I'm so in love with ya honey
Everything bring a chain of love
And in the mornin' when I rise
Bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything's gonna be all right
-Ann Murray Danny's Song

Few updates and whatnot

Well hello.

A few updates for now:

1. THE STEELERS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL! For only the second time in my life, the good ole Steelers have made their way to the Super Bowl. After 22 years of being an avid Steelers fan, I feel as though the time may have finally come for the Steelers.
I really thought that last year was our year, and after the AFC Championship game last year I said, "Next year," along with the rest of the Steeler nation.
Then in only the fourth game of the season Roethlisberger was injured and with Charlie Batch out too Tommy Maddox took the lead of the Steelers and I found myself saying, "next year," yet again.
But when the playoffs came and I watched the Steelers beat the Bengals I couldn't help but to think, "maybe this year?!"
My dad and I have both tried to keep each other from getting our hopes too high this season, with Roethlisberger's injury and all. But now here we are, the Super Bowl is 6 days away and the Steelers are going!! I have to admit, I'm really frickin excited now! This is the year! Go Steelers!

2. Well its hard to top the overwhelming Steelers fanaticism that I possess but nonetheless, I will move on. Matt just got his first letter back from a law school. The University of Florida Levin College of Law has officially approved his application for admission and congratulated him on his admission to the Fall 2006 entering class. While Matt still has to hear back from other schools, this being the first, the cheapest, and well, the easiest transportation wise (seeing as how we already live here), this is a pretty exciting moment for us. I've pretty much taken Matt's law school application process on as a direct part of my life. It makes sense because I am moving with him to where ever he goes to law school. Plus its exciting! Anyway, he applied to FSU, Miami, and UF in state. And since he got into UF, FSU and Miami are already out of the picture. (Which is awesome! You'd have to sedate me heavily to make me live in Tallahassee or Miami, and even more heavily to make me support the Seminoles or the Hurricanes- eww gross.) Anyway, he also applied to Washington and Lee, Georgetown and Columbia. Matt's first choice is Columbia and mine is Georgetown. I want to work in D.C. and Matt wants to go to an Ivy school if he can. Okay well that's that.

3. Adderall is helping me function perfectly at the increased dosage of 40mg XRs a day. Now if only I can get my doctor to prescribe me that amount before I run out. Also, Advil Cold and Sinus + Adderall= the devil form of ADD so don't mix the two unless you want to be completely unable to focus on anything.

4. I don't think I want to go into fundraising anymore. I may do it anyway for a few years. I want to go into public policy and work with human services eventually. At first I'll work in human services fields , helping people and working in non-profits. Unless of course, I find a job in fundraising that pays more than social work. Or I might even just be a teacher for awhile if that pays more. I plan on working in one of these areas and supporting me and Matt while he is in law school, and take out lots more loans.
The moral of the story here is that my odds of making any money and getting out of doubt any time in the next five or twenty years aren't very good. Ha.
The curse of only being talented at helping people: There's not much room to help yourself. But I have a feeling it will work out okay if I stick with what I'm passionate about.


Okay well I suppose I have covered enough for now. I'll be back with more fun updates soon. And hopefully I'll be able to ramble about my liberal vs. conservative thoughts on human services and privatization and politics in general soon.

Keep it real kids.

kc.

At a loss for an idea

Well I must say, it is nice to know someone is reading! Thank you anonymous commenter that sounds a lot like my friend!

I am surviving. Having a good day today. Finally finished the class that has undoubtedly been the nemesis of my college career. 'Tis a glorious day.

So anyway I'm now on to my next paper and I'm sitting here researching ideas (aka poking around online getting absorbed in wikipedia.com and not finding anything). So, I figured maybe I'd poke around on the blogs and see if any ideas sparked.

I'm trying to find a topic for my paper on communities. I have to identify a community that I am apart of (think Gainesville, Fl; University of Florida; Student Ghetto, etc.) and then identify a problem that I would like to change in that community and then identify a solution I can actively pursue.

I'm kind of at a loss here. I've come up with pretty much the entire outline of the paper, in my head, using an idea about my neighborhood in my hometown. But I can't come up with a solution that I can actively pursue there. And plus I haven't lived there for 5 years and I'm not really in touch with it anymore. I can't even figure out where to turn on my road anymore because there's been so much damn development.

Anyway, back to the point. I'd really like to do my little neighborhood here in the student ghetto but its hard to find a problem that anyone would actually be interested in fixing. I mean yeah, there's a lot of trash everywhere all the time and it's definitely not good for the environment and it looks terrible. But if I organize a trash pick up party every week or something people are just going to get drunk that very night and throw trash everywhere again. Even I have been known to throw a few bottles over my balcony or into the bushes when intoxicated heavily. There's just no need to deal with drunk people in this community salvation paper.

The issue I identified for my neighborhood back home was the lack of community and the distance that all the neighbors keep from each other. Nobody really knows anybody and they certainly do not interact frequently. The neighborhood has a lot of good foundations to start with though. Everyone always waves when they pass each other in their cars and while they're walking. My parents actually know most of our immediate neighbors by name and they sometimes stop by with Holiday goodies or hand-me-down clothes for my brother. These are all great things that most neighborhoods don't have. But isn't that a low standard to set? We may occasionally interact with our neighbors but its never more than a brief, "Hi, How are you?" and there isn't any real relationship there.

What the neighborhood needs is a way to bond together, so that they can build relationships with each other and eventually be a support unit and an excellent little mesosystem for all the happy families in the neighborhood. My mom was telling me how she wants to have neighborhood barbecues and block parties and to be friends with the neighbors so they can hang out and whatever adults do when they aren't working or cleaning or yelling at their children. haha.

I don't know. I really wanted to think of something for Gainesville. Something specific.
there's always poverty and homelessness but that's not exactly something I can be super creative about. I have to think of something I can actually make an impact on individually. I have a really hard time with that because I've pretty much convinced myself that I have to go into public policy because its the only way to actually change anything.

But here I am, learning new things everyday. Okay well you think about it. I'm going to stew about this for a little bit longer than I'm just going to bullshit this paper if I still don't have a plan.

In the midst of my family, youth and community sciences finals

I'm so tired of all this blaming.
Why even bothering saying the causes of things like depression and eating disorders?
or anything for that matter?

Its such a waste of time in my major, and yet everyone does it.

"____ is caused by biological, neurochemical, genetic, psychosocial,
family, developmental, and ecological factors."
What the hell is left after that?

The ENTIRE WORLD HAS CAUSED YOUR PROBLEM.

The only cause missing is just fucking reality and the randomness of the world.
Why bother blaming anything?
Why do we continue to need to find someone or something to blame.

In all honesty, it isn't helping us fix the problem, its just creating more resentment.

I blame society for the oppression of women for all of human history. I blame my ancestors for slavery in America.

But what is the point of all the blame? It doesn't make it better. All it really does is make it worse.

In my therapy I will not say, your father's lack of attention to you caused your depression/whatever disorder because he made you so sad that you had to react in some way.

I will instead say, you are depressed for many reasons, not just one, and not just because of one person. Yes, you didn't get as much attention as you needed as a child, especially from your father. But now that you see that, you can learn to overcome it. And you can understand that its not your fault. Its nobody's fault.

Seriously. Its not that hard. Just a matter of simply teaching each other to learn how to accept the things we cannot change. (And of course, to have the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference) ;-)

-kc.

i have a problem.

i have no will power. i am the victim of my own weakness.

i'm taking prescribed narcotics to help me focus and i am constantly getting distracted.

clearly i have a problem.

i may never graduate college.

i must keep telling myself i can choose my behavior. i have a choice if i get distracted or not.

ugh.

adderall or nap?

2:30am. take another adderall? or take a nap? presentation at 8:30am, haven't started working on it. it shouldn't be hard, but i really don't want to do it. bah...

i'm tired of being sick. i've been living off of cough drops and abusing tissues for over three weeks now. at least i'm functional this point. thank god for advil cold and sinus.

i'm taking this week and next week off of work. my mom calls it a "sabatical." i call it "choosing graduating college over a crappy part time job." even if the crappy job pays the bills, it still doesn't pay much of them. i like to think of boyfriend and i as a two-income family but its more like a half income family and we each only make 1/4 of income and we still can't add them together to get a full income. i mean we live off loans and will be living off of a lot more loans next year when boyfriend goes to law school.

but whatever so i'm not working and i'm trying to get everything done for school. i'm not doing a very good job so far. i've pretty much spent the last 48 hours consuming myself with facebook and distracting myself with tv and anything else that comes along. so now i'm pretty much shit out of luck if i don't get my ass in gear. i did actually get one paper written today. so i suppose i was fairly productive.

i wrote an extra credit paper today on the movie Crash. Its so good. you should watch it. it should be called, Racism in L.A. but maybe that's just because i'm biased and that's what i was looking for in the movie.

anyway i wrote a paper about it today and i was thinking about posting some stuff from my paper. but in this deep southern college atmosphere race is a pretty touchy subject. well maybe i'll talk about it more next time.

i'm off. still not sure if i should take some more adderall or take a nap...

patronizing?

when did i become so damn patronizing?

i know i'm smart. i mean, i was smart, before all the beer and whatnot in college. but honestly, who am i to judge? i get so mad when people judge other people. and here i am, juding away. and thinking i know better. how do i know better? i have yet to produce any evidence of success so who the fuck do i think i am?

okay i'm going to bed. i definitelly should just go to bed now...

-kc